As of today, I am finally putting my foot down and making a choice that I hope will be permanent for me. My whole life I have struggled with social anxiety disorder. No depression. No severe anger problems. Just anxiety of social situations. From a small child I was always afraid of people and constantly concerned with what they thought of me and had an illogical fear of social interaction. Because of that, I have always had problems keeping jobs, finishing school, making friends, and things like that.
Most of my life I never knew that there was medically something wrong with me causing me to feel this way. I just thought, growing up, that I was bad/unruly/lazy in the eyes of everyone else. So I just lived with the consequences my whole life. It wasn’t until several years ago that I finally spoke with a doctor about my problems. It was the beginning of numerous doctors trying to convince me that I needed to be on antidepressants.
Initially, I didn’t think twice about taking antidepressants. At that time, I believed doctors knew what they were doing and their word was right. The first one I tried was Effexor. It was unbearable. I lived alone in an apartment at the time. I ended up experiencing a good majority of the side effects that are listed on the packaging. I was so “drugged” up feeling that I couldn’t leave my apartment for two days and wouldn’t take any phone calls. Had I driven somewhere it would have the equivelant of drunk driving. The doctor insisted that I stick with it for at least two weeks and that the side effects would wear off which seemed ridiculous to me. I couldn’t make it through a week because I couldn’t survive like that.
After that, my mother reminded me how medications like that have messed up certain family members. So between that and research, I was always scared to try new antidepressants.
It’s always been the same side effects for the most part. Increased anxiety (which was my problem in the first place), feeling strange and not myself, moments that seem sureal, foggy head, memory and motivation impairment, tired, constant yawning, no sex drive, excessive sweating, insomnia, increased sleep disturbances, drunken feeling, and so on.
Over the next few years I tried a few other antidepressants with long periods between them where I wouldn’t take anything. Every antidepressant I took effected me terribly and I couldn’t function normally. They always ended with me swearing to never take an antidepressant again. But, I always end up in a desparate moment where my anxiety is just too much and I find myself willing to try something new again.
In all that time, no one ever had me take the mood disorder test. Just recently a new doctor had me do that and she now believes that I am bipolar and that all this time, the antidepressants were making it worse. Go figure. Hearing that freaked me out horribly. I have family who have been on antipsychotic medication for bipolar and they have seriously screwed them up. In fact, my uncle was one of the people who was in the Zyprexa lawsuit when he developed diabetes. And guess what the doctor handed me samples of…. Zyprexa. When I expressed my concern of this medication through my tears, she tried to assure me that the drug was “safer” now. Yeah right. I have seen how antipsychotics can literally change who you are. Let me just say, it isn’t pretty.
Unfortunately I wasn’t very happy with this doctor so I decided to try another. I had my first visit with her about a month ago. Before even getting my history with medications or my medical records from past doctors, she gave me samples of Prestiq (an antidepressant). No blood tests or anything. Just “here you go, see you later” sort of thing. At the time I was having an anxiety attack so I just took it and left. Two weeks went by and I didn’t take the Prestiq. I knew that if I am bipolar, I should not be taking Prestiq. So I scheduled another appointment which I had today to let her know about what the previous doctor said about being bipolar. She seemed suprised to hear it, but made no objections and recommended a psychiatrist and antipsychotic medication. Again, no blood work and she sent me home with samples of Abilify. She said she would do blood work at another time even though I have a family history of diabetes and Abilify can cause you to become diabetic.
I had also mentioned that I took the illegal drug Ecstacy when I was younger and that I was concerned it had an impact on my chemical balance and memory. After a lot of research on my own, I am aware that studies do show that excessive use of Ecstacy (MDMA) is shown to cause a decrease in Seratonine receptors which play a part in chemical imbalances. The doctor proceeded to tell me the opposite. That I shouldn’t be concerned with that because “there are no studies proving that”. What? Seriously. I just nodded and moved on to the next topic. No point in arguing with her about it. My impression over the years is now that the doctors only know what they are told and that is the only thing they believe and the only thing they will admit to. I have yet to meet an open minded doctor that would say “you know what, you’re right, maybe this drug is bad for people”. Oh no, if you tell them you think there is something wrong with the drug, they turn it around so it’s something wrong with you.
By the end of the visit I was pretty disgusted. I came home and started to look up information about Abilify on the internet. To my shock, I found a number of horrifying videos and personal stories of people who have taken Abilify and other antipshycotic medications. One thing that really scared me was the drug induced disease Tardive Dyskinesia where you start to lose control of your muscles. Look it up on YouTube.com and you will see how terrible it is. After seeing the videos, I am almost certain one of my family members has it. Doctors don’t know who will be effected by it either. So it’s hit or miss. Your playing with a loaded gun and hoping it doesn’t go off. And the list of life threatening and life altering side effects is long. And scary!
Well I say “NO!” I am not going to do it. I see what happens to these poor people who get duped into starting these medications and they become hooked for life. As this ex pharmaceutical rep said, once they’ve got you… there’s no getting out. It becomes an endless cycle of “try this drug and try that”. ”It’s just a matter of finding the right medication” soon becomes ”it’s just a matter of finding the right combination of medications“. Before you know it, you are taking 6 different medications that mess with your brain function and ten more just to help ease the side effects. Then you find yourself with more medical conditions then what you started out with.
I am just so thankful that I am ABLE to live with my condition as it is. I trule sympathize for those who cannot live with theirs unmedicated.
Maybe the drug makers really are trying to make safe drugs, but in the mean time, we are the guinea pigs. It’s not worth it people. I’m not going to be there experiment. I’m not going to be the unlucky one who ends up with some life threatening condition because I just crossed my fingers and hoped for the best. I am tired of hearing “this is no way to live so take this pill”. No thank you. I would rather live with my anxiety, tell everyone around me to get over it because it’s the way I was made, and try every natural remedy I can rather then to become a slave to the drug companies and the doctors who push them.
Please take a look at this video I found on YouTube.com. I have to say that I agree with everything she has to say and that I too have seen a lot of what she is describing. It truely sickens me.
